I CAN hope

So tonight, I was watching my show's, the usual sappy chick shows. And then the Michael J. Fox special came on. The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist. I had to sit and watch it. I grew up with Back To The Future and such.

But one particular segment of the show screamed my name. Michael J. Fox spoke/interviewed Lance Armstrong. We all know who Lance Armstrong is right? Right? OK, whew I was a little worried. Not only beating cancer, winning 7 Tour De France's, but there is something else you should know. Yes, besides him being an optimist and an amazing person. Besides all that. His Mom was seventeen, yes 1 - 7, when she gave birth to him. And he spoke of her strength and how much he loves her. How much of her shines through him. Maybe not in those exact words, but you get my point right?

I was 17 when I gave birth to my oldest daughter. I've said before and will always say, that looking back, I realize that there was going to be struggles. And struggle I have. Lance said that he grew up with his Mom. So very true that statement is. I am growing right with my daughter. I thrust myself into adulthood, when we all know seventeen year old girls are not mentally prepared for that. Every new step she takes, I take with her.

I worry that this will forever damage my daughter. I do. My other two, while they differ, all of them, I have quite a bit of experience under my belt with the steps they take. But my oldest, she's a challenge, a new learning packet, a new step, a new milestone, everyday.

I tell myself everyday not to hold any regrets. I don't want to be that person, the day before I die, beating myself up because I didn't do what I wanted, because of fear. Yet, with my oldest daughter, I hold nothing but fear. I regret each decision I have made with her. I feel as though I have let her down, like I could have done better by her. In hindsight, I know I could have. As I said though, I am growing up with her.

I realize that their will be a day when the beautiful face looks to me with anger. Screaming at me filled with questionable sanity and teenage hormone ridden emotions, 'WHY did you do that Mom'. I CAN only hope that I will have the strength, the internal reminder to say to her, 'Because I did what I thought was best' or 'Because I love you'. While inside me, my heart will be breaking. I let her down.

Eight years ago, my life began. (thanks Grey's Anatomy I needed that line tonight and will thank you for the next one too) Eight years ago, I became accountable for somebody else besides myself. Eight years ago, I realized I can't live up to everyone's expectations, including the one (now three of them) persons that matters the most. My kids(s).

But I CAN hope that I am raising the kids to have empathy. To have understanding. To have a giant heart. To know that I tried to do everything in my power to make their short life under me amazing. Truly amazing.

I CAN hope, that like Lance Armstrong, my kids adore me. Cherish me. Admire me. Love me. And thank me for all that they have become.

I CAN hope, that like Lance Armstrong's Mom, I raise (three) children to become inspiringly amazing. They don't have to win 7 Tour De France's, or become multi-millionaires. Nope. I just want them to NEVER lose hope. NEVER lose faith. NEVER lose optimism. NEVER give up.

And love life while doing it.